Mall of America

This past weekend my husband and I took little trip to visit Mark's sister and her husband.  On Friday night on the way there to Forest Lake, MN I became very car sick and slept the way there.  I took my melczine medications and still very dizzy.  I almost threw up in the car. 

Then yesterday we drove down to Mall of America and I still became car sick and felt little bit better when we get some lunch. Walking around the mall was so hard and I lost my balance few times and it was too much simulations going on with having so many people there.  My husband has to hold my hand the whole time so I won't fall as we walk around the mall.  We brought few things there.

Later last nite I felt so ill and had vertigo attack and slept early like 6:30 or 7 pm.  My head was spinning and with all the excitment and simulations trigger the attacks.  This morning, I woke up feeling ill and my head is so stuffy and I almost threw up the middle of the nite and been coughing alot.  I am still dizzy this morning and about to go back to bed to let the attack passes.  Then we are going back home later today and I might be sleeping on the way home again.

Healing the Wounded Heart

Today was an okay day.  Went to see my neuro dr for follow up and it went well.  Been feeling lightheaded and my BP was bit high.  I was dizzy and feel so nausated.  I became so tired so I had to lay down for a bit.  I have been thinking alot of some people and that I missed them so much.  All I want to just to cry and want to talk to someone that I once dearly love.  I hope that there will be some healing between my stepsister & nephew down the road.  I just hope that we can bind up our wounds and just start over with a fresh love, heart to heart, and sister to sister. 

I am just struggling with day to day activities and try to get my energy as much I can.  Lord I asked You to heal me thru your Holy Spirit and Your Grace and Your Love abide in me.

Thoughts

Today was okay but having hard time with negative thoughts that comes to my mind.  I just don't have any energy in me and been having down day.  The world was spinning again and it really too much for me to take it over and over each time I have it.  I just want this to end for once in my life.  I feel like I want to go out there in the world and just beat the crap out of them.  I would like to get myself bean bag and hit it hard and take my anger, frustration, and the pain to hit the bean bag for this.  I basically shut off my thoughts to anyone and sometime to my therapist.  I just don't know what I really want in this life and this moment.

Is it Monday?

My husband woke me up 6:50 am this morning to be sure I am up before he goes to work. I have so many errands to run today. Waking up was the hardest for me to get myself ready. I woke up with a bad headaches and little dizzy so had to lay down for a bit to let it pass. Then feel little bit better as the day go by. Then all the sudden I had a major headaches this late afternoon and getting tinnitus was really worse. Tinnitus is the biggest enemy for me since it drives me nuts with all the noises in my ear. I have so many noises like buzzing, clicking, skreiking, cricket-like noise and etc. Sometime I am unable to go to sleep on some nights with all the noises in my inner ear. I am hoping to keep watching my salt intake to help reduce the attacks. So I don't know if this will work for me but all I can do is try it.

Fighting thru the Storm

Today I have awful bad headaches and doesn't go away.  I been feeling so tired and weak and just want to sleep more.  I am having vertigo attack today and I feel so crappy after it passed.  I feel like I want to fight this disease but the same time I want to give up.  There is hope for me and some day I will be heal by faith.  I know the Lord is with me and sometime I don't feel like He is.  I longed to be with Him and be under His wing. Where are you, Lord? Have you forsaken me?? That my questions I sometime ask.  I know He never forsaken me in my heart.

As the World Turns

Waking up in pain of headaches and dizziness.  Feeling so tired and just want the spinning world to go away.  I feel so alone where no one can understand what I am going thru.  Even I still have Facebook VEDA group support, I feel I can connect everyone who been thru it all.  With family and friends I am not sure if they can understand it.  I hate when people say well she need to do this and that and it might help.  Some of the methods won't work for me and it cause me so sick with all the simulations and motion sickness.  I had to lay down and shut my eyes so the world can stop spinning.  I wish I can be 100% better but I am not, it like being Alice in Wonderland falling down the hole that go down forever until you hit the bottom and unable to get back up to real world again until you go thru all the mazes.

Hardship

It's been almost three years I haven't been able to see one of my family members since I shattered the relationships between my stepsister and my nephew.  I longed to have the relationship back and I don't know if I ever able to get it back.  I know I have done wrong and I took the blame in this situation.  The more I thought about it how it related to my behaviors that linked to my depression that I lashed it out the wrong way between them.  Right now my stepsister doesn't trust me anymore, but how can I get the trust back?  How can I able have relationship back with my nephew who I dearly love him so much and don't mean to hurt him?  I cannot able to change the time back, what done is done.  I knew in my heart they have forgiven me but they won't forget what happened.  Will they let me have another chance even I been given so many chances?  I really need some my family members back in order to support me thru all of this illness I am going thru.  It's the hardest thing I ever faced to lose someone I loved and doesn't want me around anymore.  I wanted to able to start over and have a new beginning between three of us and don't know when it will be.

My Struggles

This is my new blog that I changed to My Life and Meniere's as the blog heading.

So many things happened since the last blog I wrote. My brother, Kenny, did moved in with us last year in February and we had good relationship and things were out of hands and I am unable to help him out all the choices he made. So sadly, he has to moved out last month of January this year. He is living back with his mom for awhile and planning on moving back here in Sparta to live his own place eventually. I love him and I do missed him so much.

We have a new addition of family pet of the basset hound, Flash. We had him since he was 8 weeks old and he is now 9 months old. His birthday is April 20, 2009. He is full of energy puppy and he can be stubborn when he not listening. Overall, he such a cutie puppy. Green Bay is about to turn 2 years old on February 24th. He is such awesome dog. Packers is around 7 or 8 years old, which we don't know his actual age since we adopted him in August 2007. All the dogs are wonderful and care for.

Well as for me, I have some health issues over the past year and I have just been diagnosed Meniere's Disease, which is the inner ear disorder. I started out having upper respiratory infection in March 2009 and then ear infection on my right ear on Easter. Then all the sudden I had total hearing loss on my right ear, ongoing vertigo attacks, and loss of balancing. I was on steroids for awhile and it helps but it came back worse with the attacks.

So I lost my job position at FSH since I was unable to work as a baker. I had to leave the system since I don't know when I can go back to the working world.

I am still struggling with the attacks day by day. It hard to plan my day since I don't know when the attacks will occur. Some days I am good but can sense off balance and some days are worse that I had to lay down to have my attacks go pass. I have hard time walking in the total darkness and I used walker in case I needed.  I get brain fog most the time and have hard time to focus and remember what I am suppose to do.

I just started a new treatment of gentamyclin injection in my inner ear beginning this month. I sense having some problems but my dr said it the treatment is working and he does expect I have some issues that the brain is trying to get used to my surrounding. Like bouncy vision, unsteadiness balancing. I may or may not need another round of treatments and we just wait and see for my next dr visit. I just had another attacks this week and it passed for few hours later. It really makes me so tired and had to sleep after the attacks.

I also have struggle with having major depression and PTSD with anxiety everyday. It really hard on me having all these issues. My husband is trying to be supportive and he doesn't understand what I am going thru with depression and how my body affect by it.

So I am hoping to keep up my blogs of how my day goes.